Still alive and kicking

I just haven’t had time to post.

but great news – we bought a flat the other day. I know, everything went very quickly and since then I’ve been so busy I’ve barely had time to think.

So, updates are on their way. soon.

On the road again

I’ve made a decision to slowly move back to B:s place. Not that I ever really moved out, it was more in mind than in body that I removed myself from the house. I’ve been here more than I have at the summer cottage.

But since his ex hasn’t been here in a while and since we’ve spent some time looking at flats I think I need to be with him more in mind again.

So I’m spending the next few days out there and then I’ll be coming back. It was nice while it lasted and I’m very thankful that I had that chance – if I need it again there’s another colleague who has an overnight flat where I work and she said I’m free to use it when she’s not there. So I will.

My relationship with the girls is so much better now. I can tell that the older one is really making an effort and that makes me want to make an effort. I think Christmas may be a challenge but apart from that we’re going to be fine. I’m so looking forward to next year, I think it’s going to be a good one.

Alone at last

Apparently B’s ex-wife got bored of being in the cellar when I’m not here. She hasn’t been here all week.

B’s somewhat dry opinion was that when the conflict disappeared, she lost interest.

I’m pretty sure that’s true.

So I’m kind of wondering if she’ll show up during the weekend, as I’m spending it in the house. I hope not. But if she did it would be extremely obvious what she’s up to.

Paths of life

Remember X?

Well, since our discrepancy I haven’t talked much to him. Obviously we work together but we haven’t been alone together for ages and I’m not comfortable with discussing private matters at work where people can eavesdrop.

But yesterday he asked me right out if I had time to talk and we sat down in my room. He asked how I was enjoying living in the countryside and I said it was okay, we talked a little bit about how my relationship has taken off with my moving out and he said that that was nice.

Then he told me he was separating. He and his wife had agreed upon it now.

It’s funny, the one time we have been alone in my car since that night he made a big show of telling me that if he and his wife did separate it would take a long time, be a long process. I’m sure he thought that I was interested was trying to give me some sort of signal. And now it was like he was giving me another one entirely.

It’s either that or he’s just talking to me.

Anyway, I’m totally over the mistake I made and I think I made it pretty clear to him. While still making it clear that I want him to stay my friend – without actually spelling it out. Sometimes communicating is so difficult when you don’t say things outright. I prefer straightforwardness but when you’re not sure what the other person is saying – if they mean more than the words that are actually coming out of their mouth – you might end up putting your foot in it completely.

Getting used to life

I had an epiphany today. Not entirely pleasant – not entirely unpleasant.

I realised I’m homeless in a sense.

I don’t really live with B and I don’t really live in the little summer cottage that I take refuge in some weekdays.

But I’m quite happy that way.

We were surprised by bad weather so I wasn’t able to stay there last week for more than one day. But it was what I needed.

This week I’ll probably stay there Monday through Thursday. Perhaps I’ll stay in town on Wednesday, you never know.

I quite like having it this way. I have an out. A refuge.

B went to the bank the other day and was told that we could afford to buy a flat in our price range without having to sell my flat back home. That means so much to me. It means we can get started as soon as Christmas is over.

Of course his eldest daughter is making a brouhaha about everything going so fast but she’s worried about having to move. And probably scared about living on her own.

But today we had a really nice day, I baked muffins and B baked some other cookies. His were a total fiasco and they loved mine so I won some points there. Plus it’s easier for me to be myself with the girls when I’m not feeling miserable about their mother sitting in the basement. Oh, she’s still there. But the fact that I have a haven far away from here gives me patience and strength. The strength to actually start a conflict that can be good for us. That can move us forward.

I have so much hope for the future and I’m so in love with B. I still can’t believe I’ve found a man with such soft skin! And no, that’s really not the reason I love him but bloody hell it does help I tell you. No, he’s attentive, observant, kind and so, so loving. And sleeping next to that soft, soft skin is addictive.

Dazed and confused

Have been in touch with my ex via email. It feels quite good but I’m a bit amazed about his choices in life.

He just wrote to me the other day that he’s dating a second woman since his 19 year-old love of his life left him. The first he broke off the week after he and I had coffee, she was needy and wanted a relationship, he thought it was too early. So he cut it off.

This second one is 40 and has a 16 year-old child. More his kind of thing, I’d guess. At least better than a 19 year-old. But still – isn’t he moving a bit fast? Although I must say I’d probably be getting involved with people left, right and center myself if I were him, being a sucker for physical affection and affirmation. Or maybe I’ve learned something from my past, I don’t know.

Anyway, it’s kind of weird talking to him about his girlfriends but for his son’s sake I’d much rather see him with a 40 year-old who also has a kid than a 19 year-old who’s barely left school. He needs to be supported and close to someone more on his level, I think.

Okay…

So I made it sound like we had a shitty time in the last post. We didn’t.

We had a lot of fun but I’m confused about some of the priorities B had and that’s what stuck.

Not the way we held hands when we walked about, how many times he told me he thinks I’m wonderful, the times we looked deep into each others’ eyes and said I love you.

What a git I am.

But then, I think part of the negativity I’m feeling at the moment has to do with the fact that I’m back in a place where I’m not really comfortable. That and maybe I’ve got PMS. Since my everlasting cycle I’ve completely lost touch.

Back in the house of hell

Well, we’re back from our trip which was quite a good one. Some work for Mr B, which meant a lot of tagging along for myself and as I’m not used to taking a back seat in life I kinda had to sit on my hands.

We met some nice people but in my opinion didn’t get enough time on our own and when we did B was focused on entirely other things. First, buying presents for his kids and second on an urgent visit to the bathroom. I know I sound petty but when we don’t spend a lot of time together I’d like to be focus number one at least part of the time.

Also, he stopped cuddling me in the mornings. Now I don’t know if it was due to some misguided urge to let me sleep – that’s what he claims – but it’s never happened before so I was actually a little sad when he bounded up in the morning and jumped in the shower. Again, proximity and TLC is what I need.

Plus the weather sucks so I can’t stay in my haven because it’s all snowed in. And guess who’s ex-wife is in the cellar? Yup.

Only good thing is, apparently she’s got the dog now.

Away

I know, I’m not taking care of this blog. But not much has happened.

I’m staying away, I’m at home ill, and tomorrow we go on a long weekend trip. For Mr B it’s mainly a work trip but I’m coming along for the fun of it. And I can’t wait!

Back “home”

Am spending the weekend in town, mainly because I have a bunch of things to do here and it’s too much of a hassle to drive up and down. Plus I want to be with B.

His ex-wife called this morning, she couldn’t take not being here any more and wanted to talk to me about it. He told her he didn’t think I was interested in discussing it. Which he was completely right in doing.

So now she’s here, in the basement again.

Shit.

I’m not interested in her reasons for being here. I just don’t want her to be here. Period.

*happy sigh*

Moving out to my bosses summer place is the best thing I’ve done this year.

I’ve been tired, moody and exhausted this whole autumn. But today and yesterday I’ve had a smile on my face despite stressful workdays. I can breathe properly when I sleep because there is no dog around.

In short, I feel happy!

And today B is coming to visit. God knows how we’re going to sleep – there are only three very single beds in the whole house. But at least we’ll be together…

Weekend bulletin

My coffee with my Ex went fine. He looked nice, had lost weight. But it was weird seeing his flat with all our furniture in it.

Apparently B:s ex-wife spent one or maybe two nights here while I was away. Perhaps more. That pisses me off.

Tomorrow I get to look at my bosses summer place, which is quite near work. She’s loaning it to me for as long as I need.

B was ecstatic to see me after me spending a weekend away and has been sending very longing – and sexy – texts to me. He giggled like a school girl after picking me up at the airport but since we got home he’s been busy with other stuff. Even though I pointed out I’d probably be staying away tomorrow night and perhaps the rest of the week.

So. I don’t know, I guess it’s a mish mash of good and bad. At least he said that if I’m staying away this whole week then he’ll have to come and stay with me one day. At least he’s getting the picture.

Apprehension

I’m meeting my ex tomorrow. I don’t know whether I look forward to it or not.

In one way I do, in others I don’t.

Oh well. We’ll see how it goes. At least it can’t be a catastrophe. I hope.

Huge steps

I stayed in the flat last night. Only a few people know about it.Three or four of my colleagues. Some friends. And you.

It was nice. I shared a bottle of wine with one of my favourite colleagues yesterday, we talked for hours and then I walked up to the flat. Took a little time just relaxing. Just being.

I slept fitfully all night, waking up several times. Missing B. But I enjoyed waking up slowly in the morning, making breakfast and having it in bed, not worrying about anything.

My moving out – albeit temporarily or whatnot – has sparked a whole chain of reactions. The girls are pissed of with their mum so they don’t want her to spend the nights here. In our basement. And managed to make her go home for at least a day or two.

B has become a paragon of action and is in touch with a painter who is going to spruce up the flats and get in touch with an estate agent to evaluate the flats so we can sell as soon as poss.

And he and I have had several conversations that have given me hope. Hope that we eventually can move past this and invest in our relationship full time.

But I’m still pissed that it took this much to get the ball rolling.

Little steps

I have a temporary living arrangement sorted from next week. It’s really not what I want. What I want is for B to do something. Show me with his actions that he doesn’t want me to move out. I don’t know how – I just know this isn’t enough. Yesterday he even said it might be a good idea. I don’t know what that means.

All I know is I feel like shit. I walked into a huge argument yesterday when B was shouting at one of his daughters. Apparently he’d been in the basement or at least talking to his ex, trying to explain to her that she can’t stay there. Which pissed his daughters off so they had a huge fight. I walked in in the middle of it all and just told them that I can’t live like this. That I’d found somewhere to stay. And it really sucks. Because it means she wins. She can dangle her threats of suicide over their heads and they’ll jump. All of them. Because of course she’s serious about it.

Well I’m not taking it. I’m moving out, getting some space. Taking care of number one.

It’s about time someone did.

Forbidden fruit

Shit. I write this post in apprehension. Of what you’ll think of me. Oh well. Here goes.

There’s a guy at work – we can call him X – that I have spent a little time with. Nothing private – I give X a ride home from work occasionally and that’s been it. He’s married, two kids, a lovely person and great to work with.

Well, Friday we had a work conference. With dinner after. We were bussed home. I sat next to him on the bus and then he held my hand. Sniffed my hair. And I let him. When we got off the bus and walked home he kissed me goodbye. Softly. On the lips. And I let him.

And then I said “No more, this is as far as it’s ever going to go”. Nipped it in the bud, told him to go home and turned my back and walked to my house. Never looked back.

I feel terribly guilty. Thank goodness not much happened.

We talked a little about it today – it wasn’t awkward at all to see him at work, thank god – and agreed that our lapse in judgement had something to do with the fact that we’re both not exactly happy about our life situations. I know I let him come close to me because I’m so tired of everything with B being so hard. It’s my worst and biggest weakness – the need for physical affirmation when life gets difficult. But I’m not ready to leave B and I’m certainly not interested in starting an affair with a married man!

So today I told my closest colleagues about my problem with the ex-wife who’s seemingly moved into the basement and two of them offered me a place to stay right off. Their kindness brings tears to my eyes. It’s too difficult living like this. It looks like I’ll soon be spending more time in the town I work in than I have before. Less time with B. On the other hand, at least now he has something concrete to deal with. I don’t think it ever crossed his mind that I’d actually move out. If he loves me and wants to be with me he’s going to have to work at our relationship.

And X and I are definitely not becoming more than friends. But I don’t feel very proud of what happened.

Troll

Guess who’s sitting in the basement flat? Guess.

Yup. Mrs Ex-wife. I don’t know what she’s trying to prove but now since B told her that her presence is annoying she’s made a point of being here a lot. Of course, I’ve still not actually ever seen her in person. And I’m not looking forward to the first time that I do.

In fact, I take a second look around for her car before I step out of mine. If I see hers, I take a careful look around just in case she happens to be outside.

Now, I just don’t think this is the kind of life that anyone should have to lead. I don’t know if I can wait until next year. I don’t like it like this. But what choice do I have? Honestly? My only way out right now is to move out temporarily. And that’s something I really don’t want to do. But for my own peace of mind…

Sh*tf*ckt*tsb*ll*cks

My period decided to show up an hour ago.

Shit.

I sent a text to Mr B, who replied that it was sad – he’d been daydreaming about cuddling with babies.

Fuck.

My stomach is killing me.

Tits.

And I really, really wanted my period to stay away.

Bollocks.

Nada

Not a drop. Nothing.

The suspense is killing me. Literally.

If I don’t get my period during the day today I’m buying another test and taking it tomorrow morning. If it’s negative then I’m bloody contacting a doctor. Something must be wrong.

Update

Still no period.

I’m going slightly mad, in the words of Freddie Mercury.

I’ve sort of accepted that I’m probably not preggers. Except of course the longer I go without getting my period (and I assure you, the 26-27 hours that have passed since I took that test yesterday seem like a whole bloody lifetime to me) the more my hopes soar.

Mr B and I had a talk Sunday night about what would happen if I actually was pregnant. He sent me a text in the morning saying that he hoped my period wouldn’t come. Which I thought was nice – but I wondered if he wasn’t saying it just to make me happy (aren’t I a typical woman, not satisfied with anything…). So I asked.

It turns out he doesn’t really seem to mind either way. Of course, he’s not going to be the youngest dad on the block. And he’s kind of been looking forward to have the two kids he’s got now grow up, move on and move out. Another kid means 20 more years of full-time parenting.

On the other hand, he loves me to death. And he loves babies. And he wants me to be happy and knows that becoming a mother would make me happy. I explained that I can be happy without a baby/child and he said that he knew that. But he’s seen me with my friends’ kids.

I think I must be the luckiest woman in the whole world to have a man with that kind of take on life.