Forbidden fruit

Shit. I write this post in apprehension. Of what you’ll think of me. Oh well. Here goes.

There’s a guy at work – we can call him X – that I have spent a little time with. Nothing private – I give X a ride home from work occasionally and that’s been it. He’s married, two kids, a lovely person and great to work with.

Well, Friday we had a work conference. With dinner after. We were bussed home. I sat next to him on the bus and then he held my hand. Sniffed my hair. And I let him. When we got off the bus and walked home he kissed me goodbye. Softly. On the lips. And I let him.

And then I said “No more, this is as far as it’s ever going to go”. Nipped it in the bud, told him to go home and turned my back and walked to my house. Never looked back.

I feel terribly guilty. Thank goodness not much happened.

We talked a little about it today – it wasn’t awkward at all to see him at work, thank god – and agreed that our lapse in judgement had something to do with the fact that we’re both not exactly happy about our life situations. I know I let him come close to me because I’m so tired of everything with B being so hard. It’s my worst and biggest weakness – the need for physical affirmation when life gets difficult. But I’m not ready to leave B and I’m certainly not interested in starting an affair with a married man!

So today I told my closest colleagues about my problem with the ex-wife who’s seemingly moved into the basement and two of them offered me a place to stay right off. Their kindness brings tears to my eyes. It’s too difficult living like this. It looks like I’ll soon be spending more time in the town I work in than I have before. Less time with B. On the other hand, at least now he has something concrete to deal with. I don’t think it ever crossed his mind that I’d actually move out. If he loves me and wants to be with me he’s going to have to work at our relationship.

And X and I are definitely not becoming more than friends. But I don’t feel very proud of what happened.

~ by thedivorcee on November 3, 2008.